Defeating
the Enabler
By
Jill Jenkins
Most parents want their children to
become well-educated, kind, responsible adults; as a result, most parents
insist their children do their homework diligently, treat others with respect
and dignity and behave in an ethical manner. These parents monitor their
children’s study practices, correct their children when they mistreat others
and insist their children accept the consequences if they are caught cheating
and fabricating stories. For
example, I have had parents who both appeared in my classroom after school with
their child in tow to force their child to confess to cheating, to demand that
the child lose all credit for the fraudulent assignment and to demand that the
child re-create the assignment and receive no credit. These parents were convinced that it was more important for
their child to learn to behave ethically while he was a child, than to face the
consequences of dishonest behavior as an adult. This is example of not only good parenting, but also good teaching. I applaud these parents, as do most. However, they are most parents, not all
parents. What should teachers do
to help the children of parents who lie, plagiarized and support their children
when they lie, plagiarize and cheat?
How do schools combat the enablers?
Why do parents enable their children? What effect does it have on the children?
The problem begins in grade school,
when a father, an engineer or architect, builds his third grade child’s model of
Little House In The Big Woods because he doesn’t want to be
embarrassed by the shoddy craftsmanship of an eight year old. This makes the
child feel incompetent. By seventh
grade, he is asking teachers for copies of all upcoming assignments so he can complete them or his wife is writing all of the child’s essays. The parents are focused on the grade
and not the learning. The parents
are focused on how the student’s achievement reflects on them. All of this diminishes the child’s
sense of worth. He or she doesn’t believe he or she is capable of achieving without
the parent’s help.
Not only does it affect the child’s self esteem, it makes him believe that rules are for other children which can only lead to morally and socially destructive behavior as an adult. For instance, one student chose to leave campus to visit a nearby mini-mart to purchase a treat where he is apprehended by the school’s resource officer for being truant. The mother feels he is wrongfully being charged with a truancy because “if the resource officer had minded his own business, he would have returned to class and only been a little tardy.” These kinds of justifications not only erodes the child’s ability to develop a sense of responsibility, they are not uncommon.
Not only does it affect the child’s self esteem, it makes him believe that rules are for other children which can only lead to morally and socially destructive behavior as an adult. For instance, one student chose to leave campus to visit a nearby mini-mart to purchase a treat where he is apprehended by the school’s resource officer for being truant. The mother feels he is wrongfully being charged with a truancy because “if the resource officer had minded his own business, he would have returned to class and only been a little tardy.” These kinds of justifications not only erodes the child’s ability to develop a sense of responsibility, they are not uncommon.
There are countless other examples
of parent behavior that erodes a child’s ability to take responsibility. One parent wrote all of her children’s
essays. One parent plagiarized a
research paper for her son from the internet because he was too busy with
extra-curricular activities to write or perhaps plagiarize it himself. One
mother complained that her daughter should be able to write a book report for a
book she received credit for two years prior because this time she really read
it. One parent couldn’t understand why her child wasn’t receiving credit for a practice chart that the child had forged on in front of the
teacher. One parent didn’t
understand why her son could not get credit for a test after he was caught
copying answers from the student sitting next to him. The list is endless.
What should educators do?
Some teachers say, "do nothing." Choose your battles. If these parents lack any hope for
their children, they will become their parents' problem when they are adults. They will become a problem for
everyone. Is it fair to the
student? Is it fair to the student
who earns a grade through personal and honest hard work? Is it fair to society? Every child deserves to learn the
skills to become a self-reliant, responsible adult even when their parents
don’t help them.
Schools and teachers need to create
rules and consequences that are consistently and fairly enforced. If a child cheats in one class in a
school, he should know that he will receive the same consequence if he cheats
in another class in the school.
Parents and students should be given copies of the rules and the
consequences. All of the teachers and all of
the administrators need to enforce the rules in the same way and explain both
the broken rule and the consequence to the parent and the child. All of the teachers and the
administrators should be held accountable for consistently and fairly enforcing
the rules. At first the students and
their parents will balk, but if the rules are consistently enforced, the child
will develop a sense of responsibility and a sense of self-worth. Everyone wins. The parents might improve with
parenting classes on enabling.
